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Losing a Child

Today, March 22, marks two years since my baby, Faolan, left this world to be with Jesus. Our Pastor recently said that “the pain of losing a loved one changes over time. In the beginning it seems as though you will never be able to bear it or get through it but as time goes on the pain seems to dull.” How true this is. There are days when I still cry my heart out. But it doesn’t happen a couple times a day  or even every day as it did in the past. If you had asked me two years ago if I though I would be over that initial grieving phase this soon I would have said “no way.” Perhaps having another little person crawling around takes some of the pain away. Or maybe she just occupies more of my thoughts and time so I have less time to dwell and ponder my loss. Most of all I know that my heart has slowly healed because of Christ. I KNOW that I will see my little Faolan again. I KNOW that Jesus cares about my pain. I KNOW that he has been there comforting me along the way, uprooting seeds of bitterness that have tried to plant themselves. I KNOW that He didn’t take my baby from me even though he allowed it to happen. I KNOW how I respond to this trial determines whether or not I will become embittered or a sensitive-hearted woman. I say all this to say… I would not have made it this far had it not been for Christ. He gives me hope and a reason to live. Everyone has tragedy hit sometime during their life. How do you make it through? What keeps you going?

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A Bit About Me

I have written in my profile that I am a believer in Christ. I wanted to expound on that a little.

At the age of 4 I asked Jesus to come into my heart, take away my sins and save me from myself. Even as a tiny child I was able to understand that I did things that were wrong and that I was destined for Hell because of my sin. I am so thankful that Christ’s free gift of salvation is available to ALL who are willing to call upon the name of the Lord.

Fast forward to college. I attended Pensacola Christian College to become a nurse. My first year I met this boy. Up until this point I had never been looked at twice by a male my age. I was chunky and unattractive and I used sarcasm and jokes to get people to like me. I was described by one of my teachers as ‘The life of the party’. So, this guy gave me a second glance and that in itself made my heart flip flop when I was around him. It didn’t hurt that he was good looking. One thing I learned about Christopher in college that made me want to hang onto him was that he loved God. I was going through a rough patch during my sophomore year. Christopher challenged me to make Christ real in my life. To get to know Him and make Him the one that I turn too, not just when I am struggling but in my everyday routine.

Here we are, married almost 11 years later and 3 kids (+ 1 in heaven).  We found out the middle of last year, on my birthday in fact (Happy Birthday to ME!), that at the end of this year my husband loses his job. Despite losing a child, a job and dealing with health and financial issues the past two years, God is Good. He always takes care of us and provides our needs. He holds our hands along the way and tells us it will be ok, eventually. I am thankful to God for the man he brought into my life.  I am thankful that despite all the pain I have experienced these past 2 years, God is faithful.

So, tonight is the night that we celebrate Faolan’s heaven-going ! I made a cake and we will shed tears and remember. My baby has only ever been in Jesus’s arms but I know without a doubt that there is no safer place he could be. One day, I will get to meet him and wrap my arms around him and call him ‘son’. I am very much looking forward to that day.

You can see my Beauty From Pain: Grief Art Journal HERE.

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